Computer fun!
by sadjksaje3u432984
Summary: They finally invented the Computer. Ed gets on the internet and finds out about fanfiction! RoyXEd,HavocXFury, WinryXAl [Al is still a body less suit of armor] RizaXAL. Insane Stuff! [Chapter 4 FINALLY up!]
1. Chapter 1

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My brothers kept coming in while I was writing this, so I kept having to close this and rewrite it. So this first chapter isn't any good. But read it anyways! Whee!

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**Computer Fun!**

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It was a bright, cheery morning in the boring building of Central! But hey, that doesn't matter, what matters is that everyone in Central was buzzing with excitement upon hearing that a new invention called "The Computer" had been invented. Yes, it seems common since finally kicked in when realizing if you could do alchemy, then why the hell hadn't a computer been invented? Because it was a plot hole, duh!

Not really. The real reason is because Alchemy is better then technology. And it's cheaper. And less annoying.

Anyways, let's skip the boring shit and go to Ed's dorm, where he is currently installing his computer!

Being short actually came with an advantage as Ed had to crawl under the computer desk to put cords in the outlets. Ed plugged in the final cord and crawled out from under the desk, looking at his new computer. "Finally!" Ed said. "It's finally ready!" He then smirked.

He stood there for moments wondering why nothing was happening. "Why the hell isn't this thing turning on?" He said, frowning. Poor Ed, for someone who is so smart, he can't figure out what buttons are for. Tsk Tsk. After giving the author a death glare, Ed finally realized a big button on the modem. He gently pushed it, and heard the whirling of the computer, making him back away.

After a little bit, the computer flashed up a blue screen that read "**WELCOME TO YOUR NEW WINDOWS COMPUTER!"** Ed sat down in the chair and read the directions on how to use the computer. "God damn it, I thought computers were supposed to be easy!" Ed cursed after trying to get the computer to work for the past hour. Ed clicked the final button and success, he now had the internet, the main reason he got the computer. "Alright, bout time!"

Ed went to the popular search site, Google. Roy had told him to go there to search for what ever he wanted to find. It flashed up the screen, and Ed sat there for a minute thinking of what he wanted to know first. Then it came to him.

_Philosopher's stone, _he typed in. After a few seconds it loaded a new page that said:

**PHILOSOPHERS STONE: **_900,123,432 websites found._

Ed blinked. "WOW!" Ed yelled. "This is great!" Ed scanned the summaries of the lists of the sites.

"Let's see here…hey what's this?" Ed said, hovering the mouse over a certain link. The link said   
_Edward Elric searches for the _**_Philosopher's Stone_, **_He find's Roy Mustang instead. RoyXEd._

"What the hell?" Ed exclaimed. "Who made a site about ME? How do they know me? What the hell does 'RoyXEd' mean?" Curious, Ed clicked the link. The page loaded, and was in story format.

_Like lol! Hi, welcome to my story! lol! It's my first one, lmao! It's about Roy and Ed, lol! Well, enjoy, lol!_

Ed frowned. What the hell did 'lol' and 'lmao' mean? Ed sighed and decided to read on.

_It was a dark day in the building of Central. Despite that, Ed was in the library, doing research on the Philosopher's Stone. As he continued to read, he heard on coming foot steps. He turned around to see Roy standing there, with a smug expression._

Ed stopped reading a moment to frown. "Damn, even on the internet that bastard won't leave me alone!" He growled.

"_What do you want?" Ed said bitterly. Roy just smirked and sat beside the young blond. "How's the research going, midjit?" Roy said, making Ed frown. "Who the hell are you calling so short that he falls in the cracks of the floor?" Ed exclaimed. Roy just chuckled, and then grabbed the young blond by the wrist. "Hey! What are you doing?" Ed said, trying to break free of his grasp. _

_Roy said nothing and just pulled Ed to the back of the library. "Hey!" Ed complained, squirming. Roy then pushed Ed roughly up against the wall, and stared deep into his golden eyes._

"What the hell!" Ed said out loud. "I wouldn't just let Roy push me! This story is so out of character!"

_Ed opened his mouth to protest but was quickly silenced when Roy crushed his lips onto his._

Ed stopped reading. Then re-read the sentence. Then read it again. And again, until he was sure his eyes weren't lying to him.

"WHAT THE HELLLLL!" Ed screamed loud enough to be heard through out Central. His eyes were wide as his brain kept re-playing the message. "Ok," Ed said out loud, trying to calm down. "Maybe, I'll punch him. Yea…"

Ed went back to reading in hopes that he would find something good out of it.

_Ed tried to push Roy away, but Roy was much stronger then him, so that didn't work! Roy's tongue explored Ed's mouth, making him moan and…_

Ed stopped in the middle of reading and looked down. His pants had suddenly become painfully tighter. "Shit…" Ed breathed out loud.

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This fiction deserves flames. Lots of them, because I'm such an evil thing. Ah well, when ever I update, we'll get to see more stuff, because I had to write this while my brothers were in the room, so that meant less details. Next chapter will have Roy using the computer! 


	2. PRETEEN FUGLYNESS

Wow, alot of people actually liked this story. That surprised the hell outa me! Anyways, Alex(Alpoptart) helped in this chapter! Whee, she so funny XD

Thanks for the reviews, next time I'll reply, but I gotta go cuz I'm grounded and not supossed to be on here XD

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**PRE-TEEN FUGLYNESS!

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After reading about 2 hours worth of RoyXEd fics, Ed felt ashamed and decided to look at something else. "Let's see..." Ed said, looking to the ceiling. He thought about looking up more info on the Philosophers stone, when an idea crept into his mind. 

Ed re-opened Google and typed in :_ RoyxEd_

"Lets see how many sick bastards wrote fan fictions about us!" Ed said out loud as he waited for the page to load.

**_RoyXEd : _**_128,809,000,000 results found _

Ed blinked in surprise. "Well, that's a lot." Ed murmured. "If there's that many fics about me and Roy, then I wonder…"

Ed quickly typed in _WinryXEd_

Ed smirked evilly as he waited for the page to load. "There must be a hell of a lot of fics about me and Winry!"

**WinryXEd : **_123 results found _

"Whattt!" Ed yelled. "What the hell is with all these sick perverts? There's hardly any stories about me and Winry!" Ed started to fume, and almost kicked the PC out of pure frustration. Ed sighed and decided to read a story from the list. "Which one sounds the dirty- I mean, coolest one…?" Ed thought.

**Sex and love **  
_Winry and Ed kiss and then have sex. WinryXEd. _

"Bingo!" Ed said as he clicked then link, eagerly awaiting the dirty story.

_It was a bright day. The sun was shining. Ed walked up to Winry. "Hey Winry!" Ed said to Winry. Winry looked at Ed and smiled. "Hello Ed!" Winry said to Ed. They looked into each others eyes. For about 1 minute, before either moved. "Kiss me, Ed…" Winry pleaded to Ed. Ed moved closer. Then he put his lips on Winry's. Then he kissed her. They kissed and kissed with passion until they ended up in Winry's bedroom. "Make love to me, Ed…" Winry said, while kissing Ed. Ed took off Winry's shirt. Then her shorts. Then her Bra. Then he took off her panties. Ed looked at Winry. She was naked. "Wow, she looks good naked!" Ed thought. "Wow, you look good naked!" Ed said to Winry, making her blush. Winry got on the bed, and Ed then got onto of her. He took off all his clothes and threw them on the floor. Ed then kissed Winry one more time before he thrusted into to her. Winry cried. Because it hurted. Soon it felt good. Winry was sweating because Ed was going fast. Ed went faster, which made Winry sweat more. "Edddddd!" Winry screamed. Then she came. Ed came next. Then he kissed her and said "I love you." Winry was still gasping for breath. "I love you too, Ed…" Winry said, then she fell asleep. _

_The End! _

Ed's jaw dropped. "What the hell!" Ed exclaimed. "How come fan fictions about Me and Roy are written with detail and nice grammar, while fictions about me and Winry is crap made by pre-teens?" Ed sighed in defeat, and went back to find another story of him and Winry, in hopes to find a better written one.

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**In Roy's Office!**

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The first thing Roy did with his new computer is look up _girls in mini shirts._ He had expected to maybe find a site with a girl modeling a skirt, but what he found was better then anything he could have dreamed of. Roy had found the world of pornography!

After about 2 hours, Roy had bookmarked a lot of porn sites, his favorite being

"Yea, you work it, you nerd slut!" Roy howled at the PC, grabbing for his box of tissue. "Nerd sluts are great, but I want to try something else." Roy said as he went to the Google home page.

_S&M porn_ he typed in. The page loaded, and said:

**S&M PORN**: _120, 000, 000, 000, 1 websites found._

He looked at the many sites, but one specifically caught his eye.

" Roy finally shows Ed how he feels by aggressive behavior. RoyXEd" he read aloud.  
"_Oh my god"_' he thought. He clicked the link to see what the hell this bull shit was about. He started to read the story that popped up on the screen.

_Ed walked into Roy's office prepared to get a stream of insults but surprised when he saw Roy pace the room._  
"_Whatcha doing Colonel?" Ed asked nonchalant. Roy looked at Ed as if he didn't see him walk in.  
Roy quickly grabbed Ed and shoved against the wall. He grinned evilly and…_

"Damn it!" Roy said as he clicked the X to close the pop-up. "I need a pop-up blocker."

He went back to the story. After he finished it he was now painfully aroused. '_Holy Shit'_ he thought. '_Hell, I could use some of these ideas!' _He grinned evilly and looked up more stories while grabbing for some more tissues.

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**Back to Ed's dorm! Huzzah!**

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As Ed sat reading more stories, he heard distant foot steps outside. "CRAP SOMEONE IS COMING!" He said out loud. He quickly closed the window, and started playing around with MS Paint. "BROTHER!" Al said as he barged in the room. "LET ME USE THE COMPUTER, PLEASE!" He wailed.

Ed quickly stood and motioned him to sit. "It's all yours!" Ed said while walking out of the room. "Just stay away from Google…" He muttered before shutting the door.

Al was feeling really giddy as he opened a public chat room. "_Ah, which room to go to…?_" He thought as he moved his cursor over the possible links.  
"Singles, Married couples, gay, over 40, ugly people…" He said out loud. "Ah! Here we go!" He then clicked on the "_Never been on a date_" link.

**PLEASE GIVE YOURSELF A NAME** the window flashed. "Hmm…I know!" He quickly typed down _Mr. Hallow_

**Mr. Hallow**: Hi! Anyone here?

**TriggerHappy**: Hello.

'_TriggerHappy? what a weird name._' He thought.

**Mr. Hallow**: Hi, are you a boy or a girl!

**TriggerHappy**: Female.

Score!

**Mr. Hallow**: Cool! I'm a boy! What do you like?

**TriggerHappy**: …Guns

**Mr. Hallow**: Well I guess they're ok as long as they don't hurt innocent people.

**TriggerHappy**: Trust me. The guns I know never hurt anybody but the wretched foul beasts that drug their slimy asses out of hell. Just so you know I put them back there.

'_Wow! She seems really aggressive. I need some one that controls my life and make decisions for me. She also beats the bad guys. Maybe I can get a date with her sooner or later.'_

**Mr. Hallow**: Umm…where do you work?

**TriggerHappy**: Military.

**Mr. Hallow**: Wow! So does some one I'm close to.

**TriggerHappy**: Will you stop fucking around and ask me out to dinner or to meet some place? NOW ASK ME!

**Mr. Hallow**: Would you like to meet at the bakery on Wednesday?

**TriggerHappy**: GOD! Finally! Yes. I will be wearing a red dress.

**Mr. Hallow**: Okay. I'll see you there. Bye!

**TriggerHappy**: Yeah, yeah. You better be on time or I will personally shoot your ass to the next country. God it Shitface?

**Mr. Hallow**: Yes m'am.

**TriggerHappy**: Farewell.

Al logged off and laughed nervously. "I hope this goes ok. Teehee!" he said quietly. Giddiness building up in him.

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Who is **TriggerHappy**? Why is Al being stupid and going to meet this person when he doesn't even have his body?

Thanks Alex, for the names XD

Want to review? Send flames? YAY!

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	3. GHEY PAGE 3!

This has been done for like 8 days, but I was saving it for a time like this when neither me nor Alpoptart can't update our other stories due to writers block or just no time! Anyway, enjoy whilest we go and (try) to finish our orther stories!

Holy shit, how the hell did you people know Triggerhappy was Hawkeye? OMGWTF!

Thanks for the reviews : )

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**Chapter 3 : Preprations**

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**As Ed came back to his dorm, he saw Al staring at himself in the mirror. "Al? What are you doing?" Ed asked with a puzzled face. Al kept his attention to the mirror, ignoring his older brother. Ed squinted to see Al wearing a red and black stripped tie. Ed raised a brow, looking up to his younger brother. "Al?"

Al looked down and gave a dreamy sigh. "Brother, do I look alright?" He asked, tightening his tie. "This doesn't make me look fat, does it?" Ed's eyes went wide in surprise. "Er, Al… what are you doing?" Ed asked. Al was about to tell him, but then he knew his brother wouldn't approve of it if he did. "Nothing brother! I've got something to do!" Al said quickly, heading for the exit. Ed blinked in surprise as he watched his brother leave the room.

Ed glanced from the door over to the computer. A shiver ran up his spine as he thought of the horrors the cursed box brought. The computer seemed to taunt him, "Use me!" It seemed to say. Ed sighed in defeat, and walked over to the computer.

Ed tapped his fingers against the desk as he thought of what to look up. His first thought came to the philosopher's stone, but then his mind quickly formed another idea.

"_AlXEd_" Ed typed into Google.

"If they barely had any fictions about me and Winry, then there must be hardly any of me and Al, if not any!" Ed thought as the page loaded.

**AlXEd:**_100, 235, 95 results found._

Ed could only stare in pure horror at what the screen flashed back at him. His complexion was ghostly white as he read the links.

'_Elricest! Ed and Al have always been close, but what if they were closer then just brothers?' AlXEd._

Ed did NOT want to read it, yet… at the same time, he was curious. What sick perverted bastard would get off to seeing people who were related screw each other? Ed's jaw dropped when he started reading what the 'perverts' wrote about him and Al. He turned red then pale then back to red again, but this time out of anger. He practically fumed when he read farther into the story.

He then realized the little box at the bottom that said "Submit Review". He was going to give these sick bastards a piece of his mind. He clicked on the box and the window popped up. He needed to give a name so people would recognize him as submitted reviews. He typed in "ShortStuff". Now that he had a name it was time to flame.

ShortStuff

_OMFG! HOW DARE YOU WRITE SOMETHING SO CRUDE AND SICK? YOU LITTLE SICK FUCK! I PRACTICALLY VOMITTED ON THE SPOT AFTER READING THAT! YOU GO TO HELL. YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE! IF I KNEW WHERE YOU LIVED I WOULD KILL YOU. I HOPE YOU TRANSMUTATE INTO A PILE OF DOG SHIT,_

Ed was pleased when he submitted that and went off to flame more.

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**At Riza's apartment!**

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Riza sighed as she watched her dog choke down his dog food. She got up and went to her closet. After a few moment of rummaging around in the cluttered space, she pulled out a red, silky dress. She sighed in awe; this piece of clothing was the only pretty and dainty thing she owned. And now she was going to wear it, and possibly get a husband if all went well.

"Ah, I can just picture how he looks!" She said out loud, making Black Hyate look up for his food with a questionable look. "I bet he's tall, with broad shoulders!" She said dreamily. "I bet he's nice and caring… and is very strong!" While she dreamed in her little fantasy, something hit her like a ton of bricks.

"Wait a minute! He never even told me his age! He could be an old fart for all I know!" Riza quickly ran to her computer, logged on and went to the chat room. 'Mr. Hallow is online' the screen said. Riza quickly clicked the link and wrote:

**TriggerHappy: Hey! I need to ask you something!**

**Mr. Hallow: What is that?**

**TriggerHappy**: How old are you?

Al nervously panicked. '_Oh my! What am I going to tell her? Ok. I know. I'll just say I'm 20. She wouldn't be able to tell because of the armor_.' He giddily typed his reply.

**Mr. Hallow: **I'm only 25.

Riza relaxed a bit. "_Great! This might actually work for me!_" Then she did a un-Riza like thing. She giggled.

**TriggerHappy**: OMG! YOU BASTARD! YOU MADE ME GIGGLE! GOD DAMNIT I WILL KILL YOU IF I DON'T FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU FIRST! DON'T EVER MAKE ME GIGGLE AGAIN! YOU HEAR ME?

**Mr. Hallow**: Yes ma'm. Of course! My bad! See you later then.

Al logged off in fear she would kill him before the date. He was so happy to finally be able to get a date. He might not have a body to get laid with but getting a girl to fall in love with him is just as good.

Riza logged off. She was getting a little nervous she didn't look good and all that sort of stuff. But damnit! She was Riza Hawkeye! She didn't give a damn. If he commented poorly on her looks she would blast off his 'manhood' without a second thought and laugh as he curled up in a fetal position and cried. She was going to have a good time or she will rain hell on the guy's parade. With that she smirked and continued to get ready.

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**Back to Roy!**

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**After hours of using the computer for his enjoyment, Roy finally convinced himself to get up. His first stop was the bathroom. As he walked down the halls to Central's facilities, he thought about all the sites he had visited earlier. "Who ever invented porn sites is a genius!" Roy thought with a smirk. "But I could have lived without that bestiality shit… nasty!"

He then shuddered at that thought. Roy finally reached his destination, and walked in.

Roy walked to the first urinal and unzipped himself. He tried to concentrate on his "businesses", but his thoughts were interrupted when the door opened. He tilted his head to the side to see who is was, and a sly grin crept to his face. The person who walked in looked like he might shit himself.

"Hello, Edward…" Roy said in an amused tone. Ed's ghostly complexion turned to pasty white as he stared in horror at Roy.

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You know what? Roy is a pervert! Ed is the only sane one in this story... poor Ed.

Anyway, this is by far the worst chapter! See, me and Alpoptart write this at 4AM, and normaly thats when when hyper and full of stupid ideas. But this time, we were tired and just wanted to hurry up and go to bed. So hence the lack of funny : (


	4. Ape Shit!

Sorry for such a very long wait. We're very lazy teenagers and school is something we use as an excuse not to write. Well, actually school just made us tired.

Err. No, really, we're sorry. It wasn't only school that kept us busy.

Enjoy!

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**Chapter 4: Ape Shit!**

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Ed couldn't move. He was like a deer caught in the headlight, who refused to move and just stood there while it got ran over and became new road kill for the garbage man to clean up. Fucking deer, causing that garbage man more work…

Ed was so lost in thought that he hadn't realized that Roy was behind him. Roy reached his arms around the boy and brought his face close to his ear.

"Ed." He breathed, causing the hair on Ed's neck to stand on end, "I have something to show you…"

Ed's cheeks turned as bright as Rudolf's nose. He had remembered reading a certain fiction about him and Roy, and it also happened to have Roy saying the same exact thing.

-FLASHBACK OF THE STORY ED READ!-

_Ed was getting back from a mission, which happened to be a fucking goose chase. 'Damn that Mustang.' 'Him in all that hot and bothered glory.' As Ed kept on blaming that hot assed Colonel he made his way to that exact persons office. Right before he entered Mustang's office he had to make his "little" growing problem go away. 'God damn my little needle dick is going berserk.' While Ed tried to stop being horny Roy came up behind him and wrapped his arms around Ed's waist. Ed gasped. 'So much for that fucking solution.'_

"_Ed." Roy breathed. Caressing Ed's skin with his breath. 'Wow did Roy eat some onions today? Cuz his breath stinks like manure.' "I have something to show you."_

_Ed felt something hard poke into his back. 'WTF!' _

_Roy opened his office door and pushed Ed inside. Ed then fell to the floor. Roy dropped down and started dry humping Ed's leg, like a dog. Ed was so surprised that he started to pet Mustangs head._

-END OF FLASHBACK!**-**

The horrid thought of getting humped like a dog scared Ed more than a little boy alone with Michael Jackson. Ed had been so lost in thought that he hadn't noticed Roy pulling him down the hall and to his office. Roy opened the door and waved Ed inside.

Not a moment after Ed stepped inside had he tripped and fell to the floor.

His face went pale when he felt something humping his leg. "N-NO ROY!" Ed pleaded. He didn't bother looking behind him to see Roy; it was already too gross imagining the carnage that was happening behind him.

"Damnit Hayete!" Ed heard Roy holler. The humping stopped, and he looked up to see Roy holding Hayate. The dog started to whine and humping Roy's arm.  
"I thought I told Hawkeye to keep her gay dog away!" Roy said while throwing Hayate out of the room. He quickly shut the door, and helped Ed up."Sorry about that Ed." Roy apologized. "So what were you saying when you were screaming like a little girl?" "Oh, nothing important," Ed replied.

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Hawkeye was getting ready for her big date with Mr. Hallow. She was scared that he might take one look at her and run away screaming. She decided to use this facial and nail kit that she bought cheap off Ebay. She took out the shampoo and conditioner first. She hadn't taken a shower in 2 weeks cuz her trailer didn't get enough water. She wanted to actually smell nice for this date. She turned on the shower and took off her clothes. What everybody didn't know was that she wrapped her boobs up so she looked like she had a flat chest. She hated being a woman but you have to do with what you got. And tonight she wanted to show her gonzo boobs to her Mr. Hallow. 

She got in the shower and started to wash her hair. All the dirt and grease oozed off her hair in globs. She then washed her body with strawberry scented soap. When she was all done with her shower, she started to do her nails. She took sandpaper and a bush clipper and did her nails. She then painted them red to match her dress that she bought. She moved on to her makeup. She had a little practice so she looked beautiful when she was all done with the makeup.

Hawkeye picked out the little red dress out of her closet. She bought it from Sluts-R-Us. It was so small that it was made for a 12 year old. She was surprised when her melon for boobs actually fit into the thin material. After having her outfit on, makeup, and nails done she curled her hair. Now Hawkeye looked like she belonged down on Main Street selling her body for money. That hoe...

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Al looked at himself in the mirror. All he had on was a pink tie that screamed 'I-do-guys-in-the-poop hole'. The last thing he needed was for Trigger Happy thinking he was a fag. He didn't own any clothes, so he went to the stores.

He didn't have much luck. Every store he went to didn't have clothes big enough for him. Plus they kept kicking him out cause he was scaring little kids. Al almost gave up hope, when something caught his eyes.

On top of a building in big, red glowing letters a sign read "BOB'S FAT-N-TALL CLOTHES SHOP!"

Al gave a big girly squeal as he ran down the street to the store.

"Welcome!" said a small, obese man. The man gave Al a funny look. "What can I do for you today?"  
"I need a suit!" Al said, still in hyper-little-girl mode.  
"Okay…what size?"  
"XXXXXX Large."

"HOLY SHIT YOUR FAT" screamed the little fatty. "Not meaning to be rude or anything but how do you fit in that armor?" he asked in a little squeaky voice. His little beady rat eyes looked at Al in an 'OMG YOUR LIKE MOUNT EVEREST' way. Most everybody looked at him in that way. He hated it like some one would if a bird shit on them in front of their date. He just wanted to crush their little bodies and gouge out their eyeballs so they won't look at him anymore. But he ignored like always.

"If I told you I'd have to kill you". The storekeeper shivered a little. Al's voice didn't sound like he was joking.  
"Sooooooo, what style of suit do you want?" Fatty asked.  
"Oh, something that could get me laid after one date." Al squealed.

The store clerk led Al to the back of the store. They both walked into a room that looked empty. A fat, pudgy hand flicked a button and the room started to change. All of a sudden it wasn't empty, but it was, in fact, filled with the most amazing suits ever.

"Here you go, Biggy," he exclaimed joyfully. "This is the "Bunny Room"."  
"Why is it called the "Bunny Room"? Al asked innocently."Because by the end of your date you'll be at it like horny bunnies." Fatty answered proudly.

Al was overcome with joy. He was surely going to win the heart of his date. Even if he had to rip it out of her.

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Yes. We updated. And it is long. And we ACTUALLY spell checked it this time! Hope you guys like it, I know we had fun writing it xD

Review?

HOOOORAY!


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